(no subject)

Just so you know, I have the best roommates ever.

Zach.....hahaha, the tables have turned. I bet you don't like it when I don't care much either do you? Vindictive? Yeah, but it's my right.

I'm pretty much indifferent to the situation now.

"You have options now Christine; alot of options. Doesn't it feel so fucking good to have options?"

Why, yes. Yes it does.

(no subject)

Things are sort of working out now. Not exactly as fast as I would like them to, but I'm sure that working out this slow is better in the long run and will keep me out of trouble(my period will be a blessing and a burden.).

I've gained some weight back. I'm super pissed at myself. Id been doing really well at eating better nd then as soon as I moved back to PA, my eating routine went to shit. But starting today I will do better. Nothing but my pills, water, diet soda and anything essential to not passing out. I might walk around the city for a bit to keep myself from eatin and to work off calories. Besides, its so beautiful outside today.

School needs to start already.

(no subject)

My internet is finally up and running again. It kept spazzing out on me.

So I'm completely moved into my new room(I moved out of an old apartment before iwent home for the summer)and I have a whole month before school starts again. I thought it'd be nice to come back early this year, but I was wrong. No one's back and I have nothing to do all month.

Zach was supposed to visit this week, but he never called me to tell me what his day off was this week. He hasn't called in a week....I'm starting to feel like I'm setting myself up for another heart break. But I guess I should have known better anyway. He'll never change and it's going to be awhile before I find anyone else who feels the way he did about me.

I'm so sexually and emotionally frustrated right now.

I dont now how much I weigh right now, we don't have a scale at the house and I don't know where I can buy one in the city. I'm pretty sure I gained a pound or 2 back because my mom came back with me and it was hard to get alone time to take my pills regularly. But I've been back on track for 3 days now, so hopefully I'll start losing again. I might order some stackers3 when I get some more money, but I'm not sure yet.

I can't stop missing Zach.
Fuck.

(no subject)

Sorry I havent been updating or reading for awhile. I moved back to PA and I FINALLY GOT MY INTERNET BACK!

Big update tomorrow. I promise.

(no subject)

I just got back from the beach. It was pretty fun. I don't feel like going into much detail right now though.

It's been so tempting to weigh myself lately, but I know it'll be more because of the bloating. I'm going to weigh myself maybe tomorrow morning and definitely monday morning before I fly back to PA. UNfortunately that's the last time I'll be able to weigh myself for awhile. I don't have a scale at the house in PA.

Me and Zach have talked a few mor times since last sunday. We're supposed to have a big talk tomorrow. I'll probably forget all the things I've been meaning to say this week by the time he calls. It always happens that way.

Hopefully the kids in PA will notice the weight I've lost.

bklhw;iugark I'm nervous!

(no subject)

I'm down to 120!!!! And that's even on the first day of my period, bloating and all!

15 pounds down! 10 more to go till my STG!

So Zach finally called me after 3 weeks of ignoring me. Turned out he was in the Outer Banks and had forgot his phone. Ugh. I had finally made up my mind not to have him in my life anymore and then he comes waltzing back in with a perfectly logical excuse. I'm still pissed, but I have to be honest, hearing his voice yesterday morning was wonderful.

I hung out with my friend Lauren yesterday afternoon. I'm really glad me and her have stayed friends for so long, she's so amazing to be around.

Last week sucked so badly, but the beginning of this week has started out great. I can already tell this week is going to be better than my whole summer. And I'm actually pretty happy about things right now. A week from today I'll be back in PA getting ready for school to start and I'll hit the ground running.

Things are looking up. Let's hope it lasts.

(no subject)

I haven't written in awhile. I've been so emotionally drained. The AIDs walk was really hard, both physically and emotionally. Koy ruined everything. I can't even begin to put into words how much I hate that whore.

Anyway:

I'm only down to 121 because hte weeknd of the walk I didnt get a chance to take my pills and I ate like shit. But whatever. At least I didn't gain weight.

I got my hair cut and highlighted today. I've never had it such a light color. It was kinda weird at first, but I really like it. I'll post pics later.

I leave for PA in a week and a half. I can't wait to get over there and get so busy that I don't have time to think about anything.

AIDS Walk.

I'm leaving for San Francisco in a bit. Tomorrow is the AIDS Walk. Me, Kathleen, Koy, Beth and Megan will be walking in memory of Mark Jones(Hence the team name: Mark Jones Memorial Team). It's sad that a death so close to me is what made me realize this epidemic affects EVERYONE and something needs to be done.

This is going to be hard.

(no subject)

Tennis this morning sucked.

I don't know what my problem was. Everything I hit just kept going haywire and kept getting worse and worse. It was like I couldn't focus. I got so frustrated with myself I almost cried and then my mom got super pissy with me so we left early. Today in general just got off to a bad start.

My therapist told me I need to give myself closure soon if Zach doesn't do it for me. I'm not calling him anymore. He'll call me if he wants to talk, so in other words we'll probably never speak again because he never calls me. So I'm telling myself that it's over for good and that I can't do anything about it. It's killing me to be perfectly honest. The thought of not having him in my life even as friend just hurts.

Nothing's coming out right.

(no subject)

Tennis was great. I felt like I could have played for hours. But my mom got really tired so we only played for 30 minutes. But hey, that's pretty good for her since she's 53 and way over weight.

The only thing I've had to eat so far is two pieces of bacon. Not the best thing in the world, but at least I stopped myself from binging.

Therapy today at 2. Debating whether or not I'm going to tell her about b/ping again. I probably won't. We'll probably just talk about Zach the whole time. And that's just another thing I DONT want to talk about. Because I hate admitting that him ignoring me should be a huge red flag and I should just give up on him. But giving up on 3 years isn't that easy.

People are fucking insensitive as hell. I hate that naturally skinny girls always act like they're got bigger problems than everyone else and that they have the right to be bitches to people with real weight problems. In other news: I'm super glad I'm not in high school anymore. I never though 2 years out of HS would make SUCH a huge difference.

I have a sharp pain right under my left boob. I wonder what that means....

*EDIT*

My parents just got in a huge fight. My mom got all morbid and was crying and saying shit like, "If I died today, if I just died out of nowhere, what the hell would you do?" And my dad answered her by walking out and slamming the door. Well, at least now I'll have something else to talk about in therapy.